All posts in: quarterlife crisis

12 Apr 2012

slow reading

First of all, thank you for bearing through my sappy-sappy last post and thank you for your kind comments! I have been trying to keep this blog marginally book focused, but A) I’m not sure I will ever lose my Personal Blogger tendencies and B) I am just a super sappy person. Sorry.

But now, I’d like to talk about books. As I’ve mentioned many MANY times before, I am on the brink of  a major shift in my reading landscape. I usually feel the reading itch this time during the semester, start fantasizing about all the books I’ve missed out on, all the books on my to-read list, all the books that are the complete opposite of everything I’ve been allowed to read… but because I am leaving school, this is feeling like a time for big changes.

A few weeks ago, the Internet was alive with inflammatory opinion pieces about reading. I’m not going to talk about Joel Stein because I cannot take anyone seriously whose argument is “YA books suck. I’ve never read any, but I’m sure they suck. Therefore, if you read them, you suck.”

Maura Kelly’s article in The Atlantic, though, really caught my attention. Her “Slow-Books Manifesto” urges enlightened readers to take their books like they take their food: “Read books. As often as you can. Mostly classics.” Eschew the processed, packaged, high-fructose corn syrup of books in favor of the grass-fed beef, the garden-fresh produce, the home-cooked meal.

This is a food analogy that I like. Actually, I kind of want to stop writing this blog and re-read Animal, Vegetable, Miracle instead.

But many YA book bloggers took offense to this article’s sentiment, arguably because they felt that much of YA – the books they read, promote, and enjoy – does not qualify under Kelly’s criteria for books worth a slow read. I agree that Kelly’s definition seems to be an arbitrary mix of The Western Canon + Contemporary Literary Tomes (Franzen, Gaitskill, etc). This is exactly the kind of Recommended Reading that has irritated readers and writers of “genre” fiction (romance, women’s, SFF, chick-lit, and YA alike) for years and years.

And Kelly’s arguments are a sorry lot. According to Kelly, classics alone “challenge us cognitively even as they entertain,” as if no other books have this capacity, as if some books can challenge the cognition of all people, innately. “Strong narratives help us develop empathy,” Kelly writes, indicating that she has likely never read a YA book in her life, never mind the question of what exactly *is* a “strong narrative”… the language she chooses throughout is so undefined and arbitrary, I begin to feel a little like I’m reading Joel Stein all over again.

But despite poor argumentation, I think that for me, as I move from a time of mandated reading, of 2-5 books on the syllabus each week, I could use a little slow reading.

There is something about trying to stay up to date with the YA scene that is simply wearying – so many books being published, and every other book is just SO good getting SO much buzz, you simply must read. And even if I pace myself, try to read some longer, denser books alongside quicker reads, I usually abandon the longer book. The lure of the new, the easy, the fun, is too much for me.

For me, it’s difficult to juggle a slower-read with other books. And y’all know how much I love to juggle books. A slow-read requires my full attention. And my competitive spirit that urges me to get to 100 books a year makes me feel lazy if I’m not “on pace.”

But here’s the catch. I think plenty of YA qualifies as Slow Read-worthy.


It took me months to get through Markus Zusak’s The Book Thief. I read a chapter and put it down. Read a chapter and put it down. This is a good book, a popular book, but was not easy for me to get through. And I’ve wanted to read Aidan Chambers’s This Is All for years now – it’s the intimate diary of a teen girl, which is something I like to read, and the format is innovative and interesting. But it’s an 800+ page tome; it doesn’t fit neatly into my purse so I can read on the bus. Even an intense voice can be daunting for me – I’ve checked out Daniel Handler’s Why We Broke Up twice now, but can’t get past the first few chapters because there is so much Min there – maybe this is the strong narrative Kelly was talking about? If you have ever picked up M.T. Anderson’s Octavian Nothing, you know exactly what I am talking about: I think this is one of the most brilliant books ever written, but it took me 3-4 readings to come to that conclusion, most of which occurred in 10 minute chunks because my brain couldn’t handle any more than that.

I might take the rest of the year and chill from the reading rat race. There are a lot of books on my shelf collecting dust that have been too intimidating to be read while juggling jobs, papers, and assigned reading; books that while maybe will not enhance my cognition any more than a shorter book, are still probably worth reading.  In a month I will have a chance to do something different, and I’m thinking about taking it slow.

 

 

10 Apr 2012

this boy i love

A few weekends ago, I had the chance to attend a friend’s wedding shower. It was a pretty formal affair, thrown by her mother-in-law and full of the local cousins and aunts from his side of the family. Lots of skirts and lipstick, a plated lunch, and more booze than I typically drink while the sun is still up.

My friend and her fiance were all dolled up and gracious small-talkers and made the appropriate couple-y jokes while unwrapping gifts. They were comfortable in their fancy clothes, at their fancy lunch; much more comfortable than I could imagine myself being in their shoes.

But these were my friends; I could see through the act. Earlier in the week, while we stood wine tipsy in the park at Boston Common after dark, slipping on our flip-flops after an impromptu picnic, my friend was shocked and excited I was planning on attending the shower in the first place. “I’m so glad you’re coming!” she said. “I need you to sit next to me so we can make snarky comments and make fun of everything!” Earlier, her fiance got a bit huffy about being coerced into attending the event at all – it was a bridal shower. Why on earth would any Manly Man Man be seen at a bridal shower? My friend rolled her eyes. Her fiance balked and made a sarcastic comment. They both pulled on their sweatshirts and took the train home to their apartment in the North End, to walk the dog, to get ready for bed, to go to work in the morning.

They walked around the event room at the Marriott looking nothing but happy and grateful and composed. Their parents and families and relatives all saw a happy couple, getting ready for their wedding day, but only your friends know what their life, together, is really like.

But even then, your friends only know as much as you reveal – any relationship is so much more complex than any outsider can imagine. There are things that you hide, yes, there are things that stay behind closed doors, there are things you can only share with each other. You can smile and look happy. You can wear a three carat diamond, plan a lavish honeymoon, put on heels and sip champagne at 2 in the afternoon at the Marriott. But eventually you have to change back into your sweats and be with the person you love – and nobody knows exactly what that looks or feels like except you and the one you love.

More than eight  years ago, I fell in love. I fell in love for any and all the reasons that eighteen-year-olds fall in love with other eighteen-year-olds. Because he drove home for his birthday to see his mom. Because he ordered hot chocolate on our coffee dates. Because I liked the sound of his name. Because he laughed at my jokes and his friends liked me and he was a good kisser and we stayed up late every night talking about what movies we liked to watch when we were kids. We used to eat in the cafeteria together, go out on the weekends together, sleep in the same tangled-limb twin bed every night, together.

We didn’t look like that forever. We’ve looked like a lot of things, and for eight years I spent a lot of time thinking about what we looked like, to other people. When we were 19 and my shampoo and toothbrush lived in his apartment, I worried about what my parents would think if they could see my life, minute by minute, with him.  When we were 22 and we lived three hours apart, my family and friends were surely skeptical – we were adults now, in a long-term relationship… so why were we living with our parents? Why weren’t we starting our lives together? There must be something wrong. They must not be a good match. Their lives going in different directions. When we were 24 and we moved in together, unmarried, we were obviously sabotaging our future. When we were 26 and still without a plan, I think it became clear that we would just never be able to grow up.

But only your closest friends know what your life, together, is really like. Moving to Boston, I met so many friends who had just arrived to the city with relationships in tow – short relationships, long relationships, complex relationships, long distance relationships, marriages and engagements and everything in between. Smart, talented women, all placing substantial bets on the men they loved and the futures they’d chose.

And only you know what it’s like on the very inside of love.

There were times when our relationship looked different than what it looks like today. There were times when maybe we looked like we weren’t going to be together forever. Times I worried about it.

But in eight years, one thing has always been the same. Whether we were together or apart, happy or sad, I have always just plain enjoyed this boy, this boy I love. The future hasn’t always been clear, but I have always wanted to be happy with him. We’ve made bad choices, but we have always come back to being good because we just want to talk to each other. To laugh at each other’s jokes. To sit next to him the car while we drive somewhere – anywhere. To tell him about my day, even if last time we talked, I was mad at him for something. I always want to fix, to forget, to do whatever it takes to get back to being happy together.

It doesn’t matter what we look like from the outside, whether we are dolled up at our wedding shower or wearing last week’s dirty laundry, whether we are eighteen or twenty-seven.

I will always want to be eighteen or twenty-seven or one-hundred-and-seven together, happy, with him.

I am so happy that on February 14th, 2012, he asked me to marry him.

So happy that I said yes.

But from the very closest inside of my heart, I always knew.

 

 

10 Mar 2012

27

I didn’t want to do anything for my birthday this year. Last year, I did lots of fancy things, had bunches of people over at my apartment, and stayed out way past my bedtime. Fun, but somewhat exhausting. I’m feeling too old for that shit.

Luckily, one of my friends chose to celebrate her later-this-week birthday with a party of her own last night, so I got to socialize on someone else’s social-planning dime. Today, I got to chill. Go out for brunch. Do my grocery shopping. Clean my apartment. Nap on the couch with my boy and my kitty. Work on my paper that is due in 2 days. Carbs for dinner. Adorably tiny cake.

That’s about all I want.

twenty six | twenty five | twenty four

01 Mar 2012

what it feels like for an introvert

It is March, today. It is March and this semester that is my last is almost halfway over. It is March and this year, THIS CRAZY YEAR!, is two months in.

I am no closer to My Next Big Step than I was last time I talked here about jobs. I have applied for a few positions since then, but you know how apply for jobs goes. You apply, you wait, you wait, they give it to someone else, they run out of money to pay someone to do that job, or they finally call you. One of those things will happen.

I really take stock in my Myers- Briggs type. I’ve taken the test three or four times since I was 21 or so – sometimes for school, sometimes for fun – and no matter what test I take, no matter how much time has passed, I remain an overwhelming INFJ. Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Judging.

Trying to build a meaningful career is difficult for me. I’m introverted: meeting new people and networking is tremendously draining. I typically don’t want to do it. I’m a feeler not a thinker, which means that it’s easy for me to feel my own failures and potential missteps with acuity, even though my rational brain is telling me that they don’t matter in the long run. When my feelings get me down, my intuition shuts down – every choice seems like a bad choice, every option has a long string of potentially negative implications. And laying over all this nonsense is a layer of persistent judgment: my gut wants routine and predictability, my heart wants a clear path to my future, my bones want to make plans and stick to them. I’m not getting any of that right now. It freaks me out.

That seems pretty doomsday-ish, but it’s not. I actually like being an INFJ; I am happy and proud of the way I seem to be wired. It doesn’t feel like I’m on a downward spiral, that I’m fated to be unsuccessful, that I should throw in the towel.

But it does feel like that sometimes.

Overall, the last few months have been a roller coaster. Ups and downs. Some days, I have this optimism that surprises me. There are any number of amazing directions my life could go. I have faith in my abilities and my drive; I might not know WHERE I will end up, but because I am Me, wherever it is will be awesome because I won’t settle for anything less. I can live like this for a day, a week.

Then I get a busy day or a bit of criticism or a bad headache or a surge of some hormones or something. Suddenly I’m exhausted with everything my life is currently demanding me. I want to curl up into a cocoon. I want to go home to my parents’ house. I want to stay indoors for the rest of my life, only putting myself “out there” when I’m absolutely certain that it will not result in pain.

I can look back at my life and see that I’ve always been like this. The tendency to retreat is always there. It will always be there. Being under stress, experiencing uncertainty, being ballsy will always be uncomfortable. More uncomfortable, perhaps, than it is for other people.

But what I can do now is acknowledge my weaknesses and be strategic. Sometimes, I can work around situations that I know will send me hiding in my bed. Self care is big. Positive self talk – or even just Non-Doomsday- “The World Is Not Going to End” self talk – is huge.

And being able to see the “downs” for what they are is the most important piece. You feel like this today. You might feel like this tomorrow, too. But you won’t feel like this in a week, or a month, or a year. For now, take a breather, take a night off, be nice to yourself and don’t feel guilty about it.

This has nothing to do with your lack of character, your poor fate, your lack of talent or skills.

There will be ups.

Just not today.

People ask me what my plans are, where I’m going, what jobs I’m applying for or looking at. Every day, my answers feel different.

But that’s just the way I am, the way my life is right now, and I couldn’t be any other way than up-d0wn-up-down-up.

 

 

28 Feb 2012

birthday wish list

Friends, in twelve days I am celebrating a birthday.

I am going to be quite old, let me tell you. Quite old, indeed.

And while I have little desire to add more stuff to my life, if you, for some reason, are sitting at home and saying “Gosh, I sure want to send Jessica a present for her birthday, but I just don’t know WHAT!”, well here is an extremely short list of things that I would like.

This print by one of my favorite illustrators, Sophie Blackall. I saw another one of these long posters on the subway in NYC, and I about flipped when I heard that Blackall had one. Want!

My running shoes have a big chunk missing from the inside heel – every time I take off my shoe, bits of foam fly everywhere. Also, they smell kinda awful! I need a new pair. Plus, I read/was indoctrinated by Born to Run, so I’m now convinced that my extra-padded shoes are giving me injuries every time I run. So maybe a minimally padded number, like these fancy New Balance Minimus? Anyone?

Ever since I beat Twilight Princess, there’s been a small hole in my heart. Not that I have any time for video games…… but I want to have time for video games…. If you are reading this and want to beat it and then mail it to me *cough* DOROTHY! *cough*, then this would count as a birthday present.

I think if I had all those things, my life would be complete.

Unless anyone has a fulltime job + benefits laying around they’d like to offer, that is…

03 Feb 2012

on employment

Sometime in autumn, 2009, I sat down and wrote up my first three year plan. There wasn’t much there – despite what you might think of me, I don’t micromanage that far ahead in time. I wanted to do a little macro-managing. Draw a box around Spring semester. “Turn 25,” “Turn 26,” “Turn 27.” A red line across the calendar when my student loans are due.

I have now reached the box that reads “Apply for Jobs.” I’d like to say that I’m feeling less anxious about ending school and finding employment than I did in 2007 when I finished my Bachelors, but I’m not sure that’s true. No, I am not having the severe mental breakdown that was my final semester in college. That’s good. I think I might die if that happened again. But I’m feeling that “The Whole World Is Out There, Jessica, And You Damn Well Better Choose Wisely Otherwise You Will Die Poor, Unhappy, and Alone.”

Yes. Apparently that’s what was waiting for me in that “Apply for Jobs” box at the end of my little calendar. Complete a challenging graduate program, continue to work and pay your bills, and do it all, with a smile, and, when you have a minute, decide your fate.

I’m being ultra-dramatic. Noted. But this is a hard state for me to be in. It is easy to let myself be too negative. I spend about 90% of each day being too negative.

Here is the 10%.

 

1. I currently spend a significant portion of my life working with undergraduates. I have a lot of negative things to say about working in academia, in general, and even some negative things to say about the current crop of undergraduates and their issues with technology/self-reliance/entitlement/hyper-achievement.

But at the end of the day, I get excited when a new crop of students arrives. Freshmen are fun: I get excited to meet them. To make little undergraduate friends. To watch them change, often dramatically, usually for the better. The group of students I met on my first day of work in 2009 are finishing their junior year now. I feel sappy about that.

This makes me feel like I could work with college students for the long run.

 

2. I helped a patron at the library who wanted to find information social workers and their career satisfaction.

I asked if she was applying for the social work program at my school, and she revealed herself to be a high school senior.

Looking back, I can see where I changed my reference-providing tactics. I explained the difference between databases and catalogs more clearly. I jotted down notes for her to navigate our website more easily. I suggested some search terms that I thought would be more helpful, more specific.

At first, I wondered if I was being condescending. But then I thought, that hey, maybe every patron I work with might like a few notes to figure out where things are on the website, a few call numbers, a friendlier, more welcoming demeanor.

Learning how to give great service to teenagers, I think, teaches you how to give great service to anyone.

3. There are a lot of jobs. There are a lot of places to live. There are a lot of jobs in a lot of places to live and I have very few mechanisms that are allowing me to narrow down my choices in any significant way.

I spent 90 minutes applying for a job just because it was in a place that I might want to live, and I felt mildly qualified for the position.

The more time I spent filling out the application, the more time for doubt to creep in. Do I even want this job? Would it make it worth living in the place I wanted to live? Would I be able to even sound like an intelligent person at a job interview? Assuming I get the position, would I actually be any good at it? Would I even enjoy it?

I decided not to apply. After wasting 90 minutes of my life, I vented on Facebook. A former library supervisor friend of mine responded with this:

“The job market sucks. The question are, IF I take this job will it give me what the qualifications I need for a better job in a few years? IF I live in this city for a few years, will the job qualify me to work were I want in a few years? IF I take this job will I have better references to get what I want in a few years? Good luck. This is a long term game.”

I was asking the wrong questions. Even if I don’t know what kind of job I want or where I want to live, I still know where I want to be in my career. I still know what I want my life to look like. This is an easy litmus test for selecting jobs. For now, I am going to apply for jobs that will set me on a path to get where I want to go, career-wise. I’m going to operate on the assumption that my personal goals will fall in line, no matter what job I have or where I end up.

And where do I want to be? I want to be an active and influential part of the world of children’s literature.

I want to be creating, not consuming.

I want to be constantly learning.

I want to be ambitious.

Art from Marla Frazee’s Stars

 

03 Jan 2012

hello, 2012

I decided that today was a good day to restart my life, so I went back to work.

Five days in Michigan, two days driving, and two major holidays can take a toll on a person. My early sleeping/early rising pattern is shot. No exercise + unlimited cookies has left my body feeling a bit abused. My laundry isn’t done, I haven’t completely unpacked, and I’m not sure what’s for dinner tonight.

But last night, I decided not to delay 2012 any further. It has arrived. I’m terrified/excited/in denial about a lot of what is in store for me this year.

  • I start an internship next week.
  • I turn 27 in March.
  • I finish graduate school in May.
  • I become unemployed in May.
  • I will job hunt.
  • I will, with any luck, find my first career-job.
  • I will move.
  • I will say goodbye to friends.
  • I will likely begin 2013 in an entirely different place than where I am right now.

I’m trying to stay upbeat. This is my life and I am doing a lot of fun things and meeting all sorts of great people and look forward to lots of cool opportunities. I have not always been able to say that. I am happy I can say that. Yes, I’m going to obsess and over-prepare and probably cry a lot in 2012, but there will be fun things, too. The things I’ve been waiting for for a long time.

So hello, 2012. Hello to you.

29 Mar 2011

socially networked

Talking about teens and technology in a room full of library students is a trip.

Most of my classmates are in their mid-twenties, with a bit of distribution higher or lower, which means most of us have used computers since elementary school, the Internet since middle school, Facebook since college, et cetera. We are pretty digitally savvy/integrated although we aren’t quite as “digitally native” as the teen patrons we hope to someday serve.

By the way, if I hear or say the term “digital native” one. single. more. time, I am really going to shoot myself in the eye. Seriously.

Anyway, even though we are online-type people, we still, as a group, have quite a few hang-ups regarding teen use and Internet use in general.

  • It’s great that teens can find social communities online when their human communities fail them, but it can be dangerous….. if you’re not anorexic or suicidal when you first touch a computer, you probably will be before the end of the year, and what about their social skills? Are they just going to meet people and fall in love and get married on Second Life?!?! HOLY MOLEY!
  • The Internet makes things EASIER and FASTER and MORE FUN! But if you read Sparknotes, you might as well put your application in at McDonalds. And you’ll just never learn to write properly in a text message box and with all those windows open all the time distracting you from Deep Thinking, so kiss your English major dreams goodbye.
  • If you’re a teenager, you shouldn’t give your mom your Facebook password. That’s just stupid. But your parents and your school should have taught you “net safety” tips – don’t give out your address, take a hooker-picture in your bathroom mirror, send your boyfriend a naked text – so you can be a responsible Internet user. In other words – you can use technology, but NOT LIKE THAT!

What really got me thinking was our chats about Facebook. The class was open to the idea of Internet as an addiction, as if the existence of technology creates a need to use said technology that was not there before. On a personal level, I completely agree, and I constantly assess the way technology affects my life and my choices and whatever. I try to control the amount of time I spend on the fun Internet things, the number of subscriptions and memberships and tools I use and subscribe to.

But at what point does something “cool” become something “essential?”

The class example was Facebook. Most people in the room, I’m assuming, use Facebook socially. The conversation turned to the weirdness of teens having hundreds of friends on Facebook they didn’t know (“Why is that necessary?”), the weirdness of needing to check Facebook constantly (“I quit for a year, voluntarily, and I found other things to do”), the weirdness of people spreading information “inappropriately” through Facebook (“I found out my friend was PREGNANT! On FACEBOOK. WHAT THE HELL?!” “Somebody posted that they ate a SANDWICH? On FACEBOOK? WHAT THE HELL!?!”), and why do we all NEED to be online so much anyway? (“I barely use Facebook, gawd, you guys are all addicted).

And I started to balk.

So people are checking Facebook too much, and people are putting more and more information out there and the rules of “conduct” for spreading information online is changing.

How can you ask people – especially – teens to “opt out” of technology because you think the whole thing is WEIRD and OBSESSIVE?

Like I said, I’ve thought about this in my own life, about whether I’m “addicted” to checking my email and my Facebook.

And yeah, I probably am addicted to the process, to the clicking and the reading and the feeding boredom perpetually without pausing to think.

But there’s nothing about FACEBOOK itself that is inherently bad.

It’s just the place where my friends are, the place where people “hang out” on the Internet, the place where we exchange information – important and not. I feel connected to my friends and family that live far away by reading a stupid status telling me they are tired because they had to work late, and they feel connected to me. If I didn’t have Facebook chat, I wouldn’t be able to talk to one of my best friends who is stationed overseas, or see pictures of her new baby. If a friend from college was visiting or moving to Boston, I would have no idea, we wouldn’t meet up for lunch or a cup of coffee even though I would probably like to.

If I decided to go the Puritanical route and give up Facebook for good, it would be like closing my bedroom door to the weird community of people in my life, past and present.

Facebook isn’t just a random url, a time-suck, a dirty habit.

It’s a tool.

Well played, Mark Zuckerberg.

28 Mar 2011

twenty-something success

The hardest part about being in my twenties is trying to figure out if I’m doing things right.

I mean, it’s pretty clear when I’m doing things wrong. Usually, failing-at-life is accompanied by some kind of daily dread, a feeling of imbalance, self-doubt, stress, and other objective measures of things-are-just-not-right.

See: last semester.

But it gets confusing when I start feeling good about myself only to realize I’m REALLY not paying attention to all the balls in the air.

Case in point:

This semester, I am doing a REALLY good job on…

  • Not being such a basket case.I am not-so-stressed out all the time, I seem to have enough hours in the day to do most of the things I want/need to do, I have time for relaxing and playing with friends, I am not crying a lot, et cetera. Mood, on most days, is high.
  • Academics. I have caught a Good Grade Wave this semester. Part of the time, I’m thinking, “Damn, my professors are on crack this semester,” and part of the time I’m thinking, “Hey, Jessica, you are finally catching on here!”
  • Keeping the apartment from being completely filthy. My living quarters are still messy most days, but I don’t walk around feeling like a live in a hell-hole, so we’ll call it a win.
  • Keeping in touch with friends and family at home. Maybe because everyone just had babies, but I’m hearing from my friends with some regularity, which makes me happy. Maybe because my sister just got a job with a commute, but I talk to her a few times a week, and my mom.
  • Feeling on top of things at work. I’ve been at one job for almost 2 years now and the other for over 6 months. I feel comfortable and confident with my abilities and don’t ever dread showing up to make my 12/hour.

So I live most days feeling like a successful human being. I’m twenty-six now, isn’t it nice to feel so in control?

Until something happens – something small, something large – that reminds me that I’ve been too busy feeling great about myself to notice the balls that are dropping.

  • Fitness/Health. Remember that Holiday Weight? Still there. Remember that giant bag of barbecue chips you bought on Saturday? And the one you bought last Saturday? And all that cheese you keep throwing all over your eggs every morning? And running, whatever happened to that?
  • Money. Savings haven’t been great this year, we stopped putting extra $$ toward Lance’s loans for some reason, my personal spending coffers seem to always be running dry…. and don’t get me started on what happens next year with financial aid/potentially losing a job/living situation. I have a 300 dollar plane ticket on a credit card with no immediate 300 dollars to pay for it… that kind of thing keeps popping up.
  • Planning for the future. Speaking of which, what are we doing when, in a year, we are done in Boston? And do we have enough money to make whatever-it-is happen? And why haven’t I thought about that at all in the past six months?
  • Having some kind of meaningful chats with your boyfriend. Sure, we eat dinner together, but now that we aren’t Two People Trapped in a Tiny Apartment with nothing better to do than spill our guts, shouldn’t we be having some scheduled gut spilling? Or at least a date once in awhile?
  • Sleep. Remember when I used to go to bed by 10 and wake up refreshed without caffeine at 6? Yeaaaah, about that….
  • Immune System. I think you’ve heard enough about that lately.

I know that it’s impossible to juggle everything all the time. Most of the time, it’s nearly impossible to do anything other than Finish My Schoolwork, Show up to my Places of Employment, and Not Kill Myself or Anyone Else. And I know that, in a way, focusing on my academics is also a way of focusing on future plans (I need a degree so I can get a job), which will help the financial situation (Job = money!), and planning for the future.

But it’s still shocking to feel so on top of the heap in some ways

and then, when I least expect it,

so buried.

10 Mar 2011

twenty-six

I think I feel less old than I didlast year on this particular date.

Maybe because I’m, god help me, busy.

When you are busy, you don’t have time to sit around and think about how when your mother was your own age, she had a one-year-old baby named Jessica.

When you are busy, you don’t fret over your stupid gray roots – you have places to go, so you figure out where that magic place is to part your hair, and you get out the door.

When you are busy, you have the following to-do list:

  • Make onion dip
  • Shower
  • Get coffee
  • Return library books
  • Clean the litter box
  • Get a tiny bit of work done on your as-of-yet not started paper
  • Send back Netflix movie
  • Fancy lunch with fancy friends
  • Pick up more lime juice and confectioner’s sugar
  • Take out the trash
  • Once-over the apartment
  • Figure out how to make simple syrup without burning anything or anybody – see this failure
  • Figure out how to make a margarita that doesn’t taste like watery tequila
  • Entertain those friends you keep trying to tell yourself you don’t have, but YOU DO and they are coming over.

So there you have it. The secret to feeling young: don’t give yourself room to feel like an old granny.

Plus, you’d have to have children to be a granny.

And you had a dream last night that you were pregnant and also drinking a large glass of wine, telling your friends how you couldn’t possibly be actually pregnant, because you had the flattest stomach ever, even though the doctor DID do a blood test, and even if you were, isn’t that just one of those old wives tales? You can still have a large glass of wine every night with a flat-stomach fetus, right?

So let’s take it one step at a time.

Margaritas first,

then we’ll think about getting old.