All posts in: grad school

02 Jul 2011

like.hate

Things I Like

1. Comic adaptations of novels I still (despite grad school) love.

2. Re-reading the Harry Potter books and then watching each movie as I finish a book. I’m on number three!

That is quite a movie poster…

nice face/nice hair/nice creepy stair, Rupert Grint/Emma Watson/Daniel Radcliffe

3. Fancy drinks. I made this one – the Redhead in Bed – but mine didn’t look so pretty. But I wanted to do something special with the last farmshare strawberries of the season!

I didn’t follow the recipe exactly and may have gotten myself and my roommates drunk. While we watch Harry Potter.

WHUPS!

Things I Hate

1. Feeling swamped with homework already, before my second class has even started. I had to read this book in 24 hours.

And it took me about 100 pages to notice the book’s cover and therefore feel self-conscious about reading it on the bus. Nice.

2. Being underemployed. I put out a major fire at work on Friday involving this book:

It involved two hours of near-constant attention at work, doing things beyond my job description perhaps, and was followed by three or four hours of decompressing from the experience afterwards.

All because the people who actually earn salaries and should have been carrying the fire hose were on vacation for the 4th of July.

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3. Not being able to eat a breakfast sandwich at Sorella’s every morning.

I didn’t take a picture but can you picture….

– fried eggs

– American cheese

– avocado

– sprouts

– lox

all on an English muffin?

I hate that I have to make my own breakfast tomorrow.

27 Jun 2011

one last hurrah

When July arrives (in like, 35 seconds), I will be blessed with an additional class added to the summer pile.

For those of you not in the know, summer class is a bit of a different beast than the regular semester.

  • Instead of meeting once a week for 3 hours, summer class meets twice a week for 3 hours.
  • Instead of meeting for 16 weeks, summer class meets for 6 or 7 weeks.
  • Instead of having evenly spread assignments and weeks without assignments, you have stuff due almost every class period.
  • Instead of being in “school mode,” you are in “summer mode,” which means you are more likely to make bad decisions like going out on weeknights and taking weekend trips and sleeping in and such.

So, I’m already entangled in a summer course. All of that stuff is going on. In July, I will add another course, which will double all of that stuff above…. pluuuuuussss….

  • This is a children’s lit class (argh)
  • This is a class that only runs for FOUR WEEKS (omg)
  • This is a class taught by a visiting professor (ihavenoideawhatiamgettingmyselfinto)

I gave myself a long weekend before this madness begins, so I’ve spent the past three days doing a whole lot of laying around. I haven’t opened my large, nerdy spreadsheet once. My library books are overdue, my apartment is full of half-completed cleaning projects, and I’m two and a half books deep into a Harry Potter Reading Marathon (will I make it to 7 before the 15th? Most likely not. See: July)

Three days of equal parts lethargy and clearing the decks for an intense four weeks.

But that’s the nice thing about summer session. It’s furious, but when it’s over, it’s OVER.

August 1 is going to feel so sweet.

20 Jun 2011

the messiest neat freak you will ever meet

One of my summer classes started last week. LIS 415: Information Organization, or The Class Formerly Known As Cataloging. I know that I have expressed mixed feelings about my experience in library school and my opinions of libraries in general, but this class makes me feel a bit nerdy and squishy inside. Categorizing! Creating organization systems! Spreadsheet after spreadsheet after spreadsheet! I respond to that primal, human urge that causes children to collect thousands of rocks/buttons/My Little Ponies/bouncy balls/Pokemon cards and then spend hours placing them in jars/baskets/muffin tins/rainbow order. I get regular urges to play with Legos again; for me, “playing” with Legos was more likely to mean digging all the tiny Lego people out of the bin and separating their parts into piles and display cases and setting up a strange, Frankenstein Shop of Horrors where I could match the exact legs, torsos, faces, and hairdos needed for the optimal Lego Population.

Ahem.

Organizing stuff still remains a hobby of mine, although my “things” have now become more theoretical than actual. I can schedule my days and nights six ways to next Sunday. I can make spreadsheets so nerdy that I can’t even tell you about them.

My professor began our first session by asking the class to think about different forms of classification. “What do you organize,” she asked us, “other than books?”

My mind whirred, trying to think of something that actually made sense, that I could tell the class about. All I could think of was my silverware drawers. We have two. When we first moved, I used one drawer for everyday utensils and the other for things like measuring cups, spatulas, and the egg separator. However, the two drawers were not created equal – the Everyday Drawer is deeper and taller than the Occasional Drawer – and therefore more prone to getting jammed with larger items like measuring cups, spatulas, and the egg separator. This was just an occasional annoyance, until one day a drunk friend pulled too hard and yanked off the entire front of the drawer.

Another cataloging mistake: I wrongfully classified the beer-opening devices as “occasionally used.”

The rest of the class wasn’t doing much better. One girl offered up her spice collection. She and the professor riffed on different ways to sort your spices: alphabetically, of course, but maybe savory/sweet might be a better arrangement, or by size of the container depending on your space constraints, or maybe brand if you liked to keep fancy spices for fancy occasions.

“Anybody else organize their spices?” the professor asked. Nobody responded. “Really? No organization at all? You all just throw anything anywhere you please? You live amongst heaps of unclassified spices? I would hate to peek in your cupboards!”

Yes, yes you would, Professor of Mine. My spices are literally shoved anywhere I please, I can never find them when I need them, and they are constantly laying over on their sides or falling out of the cupboard and cracking the lids.

Despite my penchant for organize living, I’m a freaking slob 98.8% of the time.

The truth: my apartment is not currently governed by the laws of any classification system or logic whatsoever other than When I Unpacked Last September, That’s Where Things Went and Whatever I Used Last Is Probably Still Sitting On The Top of the Pile of Crap.

However, I still feel those metaphysical urges to sort my buttons, to see things in the place that they belong, to disassemble all my Lego people, to ALPHabetize my BOOKS! So I’m trying to grasp at some agency and organize some of the physical things in my life rather than just the theoretical.

I’ve narrowed down my problem areas to the following categories:

1) Wicked bad habits

See:

  • Not putting things away after I use them
  • Not cleaning things/rooms regularly
  • Pack-ratting

Some of these can be fixed with the creation of good routines. For example, I’ve been training myself to unload the dishwasher in the morning while I cook my breakfast, to put away my makeup after I put it on in the morning, and to clean the kitchen to a sparkle before bed. These things all involve doing a specific action at a specific time, and aren’t too hard to develop.

Other problems require the occasional setting-aside-of-time to tend to semi-regular chores. Making time to do the nitty-gritty cleaning on the weekends. Designating a weekend to reorganizing a room or switching out a seasonal wardrobe or adding to the Goodwill pile or sorting through the semester’s school papers. Those changes are harder to make because occasional tasks can’t be hardwired into your life like a true habit. You have to really prioritize the task at hand r within a few months, you can get completely swamped with nonsense.

The worst problems to fix, I think, are systemic. It’s one thing to walk yourself into the kitchen to scrub the counters every night, it’s quite another to teach your hands not to put things down (cups, papers, notebooks, books, anything) and forget about them until they are stacked to the ceiling.

Slow but steady. Some people are hardwired for this stuff. Despite my better wishes, I am not. In the best circumstances, I am kind of neat. In the worst, I am pretty messy.

Which brings us to another problem.

2) The Small Space/Small Pocketbook Syndrome

When I say my apartment is arranged by “Proximity To Where The Cardboard Box Was When I Opened It Last September,” I am not joking at all.

On September 1st, my kitchen looked like this:

I couldn’t eat without unpacking all those boxes, so I had to do it quickly and efficiently. Proximity (I put the microwave there, so there it will stay) and uncomplicated logic (my roommate is short so I should take the cupboard over the stove) prevailed.

For an example of how this logic has failed me, see: kitchen drawer anecdote above.

Living in such a small space with two other people gives me the sensation that there is literally no other place for things to be other than where they are. I can’t rearrange the furniture, because if I move the futon here, then I’d have to move the other futon there, and I’d have to pull the TV away from its cables… etc etc

Many people do amazing thing organizationally with small spaces. I am jealous. However, I am but a lowly grad student who barely cleared 15k on her income taxes last year. I cannot afford most of the nicer things at IKEA, much less custom-fitted shelving.

But money and space needn’t cripple me. I’ve set myself against a few tasks in the past month or so that have made a surprising impact on my day-to-day life. I moved the microwave from one counter to another…. and doubled my kitchen workspace and made the entire room seem bigger. I cleaned out under the sink and in the pantry closet – not only do I not suffer from falling brooms smacking me in the face any longer, but I found a load of useful goodies in there! Two bottles of unopened dish soap, a pack of 100 bendy straws, and a Magic Eraser!

And yes, I could probably spend some more money on organizing crap, too. I’m not THAT destitute. Just like putting time aside to mop the floors, putting a little money aside once in awhile for some new plastic tubs or shelves is just a matter of prioritizing.

And what I lack in money, I make up for in creativity.

See: Lego People Chop Shop, c. 1995

17 Jun 2011

Summer 2011: goals * projects * trips

It took me about three days after returning from Michigan to fully recover from my flight nightmare and return to simply stressing out about nothing/everything.

This is my last full week sans classes, so I should be moderately chill. But no. I’m not. I’m standing here, in the first week of June, staring down the rest of the summer like I want to beat it up before it has a chance to start in on me.

My life doesn’t currently afford me a lot of uninterrupted free time for scheming and dreaming or pursuing any schemes and dreams. Or travel. So while I’m still working 1 or 2 jobs (I’m still not sure which) and waiting for July to kick my ass with two classes, I feel like I should take advantages of what free time I can muster while the getting is good, while the weather is nice, while my boy is out of work, while I’m still in battle mode.

However, I can’s seem to decide if I need that time to Do Serious Things or Do Fun Things. Since I have time for neither during the school year. So here’s what I hope my summer will look like in terms of goals, projects, and trips!

this awkward picture brought to you by Summer 2010

  • Sit down and do some long-term planning

I spend a lot of time during the semester in survival mode. When I get a little time off, it hits me like a ton of bricks that TIME IS PASSING and I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING and I NEED A FOUR YEAR PLAN. I’d like to deal with that in a productive manner and actually get things in writing in terms of money, moving, and other life goal-type things.

  • Make the most of all the local summer produce

I’m having a tough time with produce lately. My body says “eat me!” and my brain says “that bag of banana came from Calcutta, you idiot.” Farmshare and farmer’s market season is upon us, however, and I plan on turning all the fresh fruits and veggies into things that are super delicious. Spend more money at the market, less money at Whole Foods, and figure out how to preserve what I can. I am having fun finding delicious looking things on Pinterest. (btdub, I should really scratch all of these goals and write “Try not to spend your whole summer clicking on things on Pinterest.” Holy addictive, Batman!)

  • Read 30 books

That will keep me on pace for breaking 100 books in 2011. I’ll start with these and see where the summer takes me. Right now, I am reading All These Things I’ve Done by Gabrielle Zevin, Carrots ‘n Cake by Tina Haupert, and Birds of America by Lorrie Moore.

  • Be able to run 3 miles by the end of the summer

I was doing so well in October/November, but after a long, snowy winter, I’ve backtracked. Sigh. I am still not quite a runner. However, I would like to be able to run a 5k. And I think that people with missing limbs and club feet can run 5ks, so I don’t think it’s unreasonable to run 3 miles by the end of the summer. Because I am not a runner, running three miles may include walking, but not any more walking than I would do running just one or two miles.

  • Be social

This one is easy, but important. Go out and do fun things, Jessica! Be a “yes woman!” Get out of your apartment! Or get people into your apartment! Whatever! Just do it!

  • Floss your damn teeth

I just realized that I no longer have dental insurance. I am also prone to cavities. I guess it’s time for me to actually start flossing.

  • Do well in your summer classes

Enough said. Do your work. Don’t procrastinate. Stand by a little acronym I like to call “DFIU.”

  • Master Grocery Shopping

Oh, groceries. I spend too much on you. I am working on a series of elaborate spreadsheets to tabulate my grocery bills and decide what to make based on available money rather than whim. I feel like if I master grocery shopping, I will be able to A) stock up on things when they go on sale without starving that week B) use coupons more often C) spend more money at the farmer’s market without going over budget D) only have to go to one grocery store every week (Whole Foods) and stock up on Trader Joe’s things once a month or so E) knowing what is cheaper to buy or cheaper to make from scratch. It’s confusing, involves a lot of math, and makes Lance mad, but I think its important.

  • Master The Laundry

I don’t know why my boy and I are so bad at laundry. We can’t figure out the best permutation of doing and folding and putting away to actually keep our clothes off the floor. We are smart people! College educated! We should be able to handle this! Let’s do it!

  • Finish a writing project of some sort

I do not know what this project will be yet. Maybe a short story. Maybe an epic blog thing. Maybe part of a book. Maybe a whole book. Maybe an article for a magazine or journal. Who knows! I think August will be the time to pick this up, but I am missing serious writing a little.

  • Declutter apartment

Time for some purging. Let’s throw stuff away! Fun!

  • Strength train

It has come to my attention that maybe I suck at running because I am a weakling. It has also come to my attention that I am becoming too pudgy for my clothing again. Strength training, I reason, will help me run for longer periods of time (burning more calories) and will make my body a more efficient machine (burning more calories). And I will be able to throw large rocks at people and lift cars off of babies. Or just take the Kitchenaid off the top of the fridge without assistance. I’ll take that. The main problem will be getting myself to the gym regularly, since it is somewhat out of the way from my everyday jaunting. I went this morning, though! Success!

  • July 4 – travel/have visitors

Yay, Fourth of July! This is one of my only long weekends of the summer, so it would be fun to either make a quick visit to some friends or my grandparents, or to have some visitors stay and do fun fireworksy things. Raise your hand if you want to come to Boston!

  • June or July or AugustGet out of town for the weekend

So I live in New England. And I have a car. So I should probably get in my car and see New England, eh? I’m thinking weekend trip, one night in a campy hotel or a cheesy B&B, or maybe NYC. Somewhere. Anywhere!

  • August – Make a week out of it

I should have time to take a longer trip in August, but probably keep it somewhat low-cost. That leaves a few options, though. Option A: Random road trip. Option B: Michigan. Option C: Grandparents in North Carolina Option D: a few nights in some resorty place with cheapo airfare and hotels. All of which are on the table, assuming our summer schedules align.

02 Jun 2011

f is for flying… and failure

Good Gravy! All I wanted was to fly to and from Michigan with little or no difficulty! I wanted to spend yesterday tip-tapping at my laptop, writing up my monthly review of books I read, finish reading The Last American Man, and eventually end up in Boston.

Oh no. No, no, no, no, no.

Despite consistent prayers to the Gods of Transportation, on my way out to Michigan I was delayed in the Baltimore airport for four extra hours. When they first delayed, I had been at the airport for three full hours on a layover,  I was dropped off at the Boston airport for my first flight almost three hours before take-off.

I didn’t get to my parents’ house until after 10 p.m. that night. I was groggy, woke up groggy the next day and therefore let my hairdresser leave me practically bald!

Okay, that picture gives it away. I did make it home at the end of this story. But hold on. Rewind. I spent almost 8 hours at the Baltimore airport on Wednesday, May 25th. I revisited BWI yesterday at about 3:40. I boarded my connection at 4:25…

… and after weather, air traffic issues, a medical emergency, more weather, and something about how pilots aren’t supposed to work for more than 12 hours a day or whatever, we deplaned at 8:30 p.m. and my flight was cancelled.

aweoirjaoiejgoanto2i3423ijradfa23443@#$3ifnasd

Ugh. I can’t tell this story anymore. If I did, it would contain the following plot points:

  • Rescheduled flights for 6:30 a.m.
  • Waiting an hour for a hotel shuttle to accommodate me.
  • Dropping 80 bucks on a hotel room that I inhabited for about 5 hours.
  • Sleeping for less than 4.
  • A hotel coupon that promised 24-hour on-demand shuttle to the airport… yeah…
  • Reserved 4 a.m. taxi cabs who didn’t take their deadlines very seriously.
  • Intensely long lines to check baggage and go through security.
  • Eating nothing but McDonalds and airline peanuts for nearly 24 hours.

and, yes, eventually landing in Boston this morning at 8 a.m. after a perfect flight, to be picked up by my boyfriend who was home on a “Tornado Day.”

I’m back. I survived. The Lord of the Flights has seriously got it out for me.

I will blog about books on the morrow.

Michigan was fun, but it feels good to be back with two feet on the ground.

11 May 2011

it is over, it is over

I have a love thing and a hate thing with the 16 week schedule, this academic undercurrent that pulls me from month to month.

I’ve definitely had worse semesters, but their endings never felt this triumphant. I worked on my last paper until shortly after 3:30 on Monday, walked with my roommate to Starbucks for Frappuccino Happy Hour. From there, a small celebration for our comrades graduating with MAss and MFAs. Three glasses of champagne, then straight to the bar, a mess of us, delirious and drunk, squeezed into a hallway together and happy happy happy on a Monday night.

I had to work in the morning, but you’re only young and finishing a semester of school once, right?

Surely I felt this relaxed last December, last August, last May, but this feeling – relief, contentedness, respite – feels foreign. I probably use this particular metaphor too much but it feels like I’ve just crawled out of a cave. The sun is too bright, my bones a little achy, everything looks weird and I don’t know where to go next, what to do.

What DO I do when there is no school to do?

It’s been more than two years since I was 100% sure of myself,

since I started to leave one life and enter another.

This is only a temporary respite – a few weeks of work, then a trip home. A few weeks back to work some more, then add classes to the mix. Then it’s August, then it’s the fall.

I’m just now starting to feel like things will be okay. That my life will still be there, even when things get crazy, that I will still be there. That I can find a meaningful, enjoyable existence no matter what life throws at me.

Is there a stable me left behind this graduate student to fall back on?

I feel like there is, but I don’t know who she is yet, what she looks like.

And since the anxiety of moving/adjusting/constantly-going-going-going is starting to pass,

for the first time in over two years,

I am kind of excited to meet her.

August 2009 – April 2011

29 Mar 2011

socially networked

Talking about teens and technology in a room full of library students is a trip.

Most of my classmates are in their mid-twenties, with a bit of distribution higher or lower, which means most of us have used computers since elementary school, the Internet since middle school, Facebook since college, et cetera. We are pretty digitally savvy/integrated although we aren’t quite as “digitally native” as the teen patrons we hope to someday serve.

By the way, if I hear or say the term “digital native” one. single. more. time, I am really going to shoot myself in the eye. Seriously.

Anyway, even though we are online-type people, we still, as a group, have quite a few hang-ups regarding teen use and Internet use in general.

  • It’s great that teens can find social communities online when their human communities fail them, but it can be dangerous….. if you’re not anorexic or suicidal when you first touch a computer, you probably will be before the end of the year, and what about their social skills? Are they just going to meet people and fall in love and get married on Second Life?!?! HOLY MOLEY!
  • The Internet makes things EASIER and FASTER and MORE FUN! But if you read Sparknotes, you might as well put your application in at McDonalds. And you’ll just never learn to write properly in a text message box and with all those windows open all the time distracting you from Deep Thinking, so kiss your English major dreams goodbye.
  • If you’re a teenager, you shouldn’t give your mom your Facebook password. That’s just stupid. But your parents and your school should have taught you “net safety” tips – don’t give out your address, take a hooker-picture in your bathroom mirror, send your boyfriend a naked text – so you can be a responsible Internet user. In other words – you can use technology, but NOT LIKE THAT!

What really got me thinking was our chats about Facebook. The class was open to the idea of Internet as an addiction, as if the existence of technology creates a need to use said technology that was not there before. On a personal level, I completely agree, and I constantly assess the way technology affects my life and my choices and whatever. I try to control the amount of time I spend on the fun Internet things, the number of subscriptions and memberships and tools I use and subscribe to.

But at what point does something “cool” become something “essential?”

The class example was Facebook. Most people in the room, I’m assuming, use Facebook socially. The conversation turned to the weirdness of teens having hundreds of friends on Facebook they didn’t know (“Why is that necessary?”), the weirdness of needing to check Facebook constantly (“I quit for a year, voluntarily, and I found other things to do”), the weirdness of people spreading information “inappropriately” through Facebook (“I found out my friend was PREGNANT! On FACEBOOK. WHAT THE HELL?!” “Somebody posted that they ate a SANDWICH? On FACEBOOK? WHAT THE HELL!?!”), and why do we all NEED to be online so much anyway? (“I barely use Facebook, gawd, you guys are all addicted).

And I started to balk.

So people are checking Facebook too much, and people are putting more and more information out there and the rules of “conduct” for spreading information online is changing.

How can you ask people – especially – teens to “opt out” of technology because you think the whole thing is WEIRD and OBSESSIVE?

Like I said, I’ve thought about this in my own life, about whether I’m “addicted” to checking my email and my Facebook.

And yeah, I probably am addicted to the process, to the clicking and the reading and the feeding boredom perpetually without pausing to think.

But there’s nothing about FACEBOOK itself that is inherently bad.

It’s just the place where my friends are, the place where people “hang out” on the Internet, the place where we exchange information – important and not. I feel connected to my friends and family that live far away by reading a stupid status telling me they are tired because they had to work late, and they feel connected to me. If I didn’t have Facebook chat, I wouldn’t be able to talk to one of my best friends who is stationed overseas, or see pictures of her new baby. If a friend from college was visiting or moving to Boston, I would have no idea, we wouldn’t meet up for lunch or a cup of coffee even though I would probably like to.

If I decided to go the Puritanical route and give up Facebook for good, it would be like closing my bedroom door to the weird community of people in my life, past and present.

Facebook isn’t just a random url, a time-suck, a dirty habit.

It’s a tool.

Well played, Mark Zuckerberg.

28 Mar 2011

twenty-something success

The hardest part about being in my twenties is trying to figure out if I’m doing things right.

I mean, it’s pretty clear when I’m doing things wrong. Usually, failing-at-life is accompanied by some kind of daily dread, a feeling of imbalance, self-doubt, stress, and other objective measures of things-are-just-not-right.

See: last semester.

But it gets confusing when I start feeling good about myself only to realize I’m REALLY not paying attention to all the balls in the air.

Case in point:

This semester, I am doing a REALLY good job on…

  • Not being such a basket case.I am not-so-stressed out all the time, I seem to have enough hours in the day to do most of the things I want/need to do, I have time for relaxing and playing with friends, I am not crying a lot, et cetera. Mood, on most days, is high.
  • Academics. I have caught a Good Grade Wave this semester. Part of the time, I’m thinking, “Damn, my professors are on crack this semester,” and part of the time I’m thinking, “Hey, Jessica, you are finally catching on here!”
  • Keeping the apartment from being completely filthy. My living quarters are still messy most days, but I don’t walk around feeling like a live in a hell-hole, so we’ll call it a win.
  • Keeping in touch with friends and family at home. Maybe because everyone just had babies, but I’m hearing from my friends with some regularity, which makes me happy. Maybe because my sister just got a job with a commute, but I talk to her a few times a week, and my mom.
  • Feeling on top of things at work. I’ve been at one job for almost 2 years now and the other for over 6 months. I feel comfortable and confident with my abilities and don’t ever dread showing up to make my 12/hour.

So I live most days feeling like a successful human being. I’m twenty-six now, isn’t it nice to feel so in control?

Until something happens – something small, something large – that reminds me that I’ve been too busy feeling great about myself to notice the balls that are dropping.

  • Fitness/Health. Remember that Holiday Weight? Still there. Remember that giant bag of barbecue chips you bought on Saturday? And the one you bought last Saturday? And all that cheese you keep throwing all over your eggs every morning? And running, whatever happened to that?
  • Money. Savings haven’t been great this year, we stopped putting extra $$ toward Lance’s loans for some reason, my personal spending coffers seem to always be running dry…. and don’t get me started on what happens next year with financial aid/potentially losing a job/living situation. I have a 300 dollar plane ticket on a credit card with no immediate 300 dollars to pay for it… that kind of thing keeps popping up.
  • Planning for the future. Speaking of which, what are we doing when, in a year, we are done in Boston? And do we have enough money to make whatever-it-is happen? And why haven’t I thought about that at all in the past six months?
  • Having some kind of meaningful chats with your boyfriend. Sure, we eat dinner together, but now that we aren’t Two People Trapped in a Tiny Apartment with nothing better to do than spill our guts, shouldn’t we be having some scheduled gut spilling? Or at least a date once in awhile?
  • Sleep. Remember when I used to go to bed by 10 and wake up refreshed without caffeine at 6? Yeaaaah, about that….
  • Immune System. I think you’ve heard enough about that lately.

I know that it’s impossible to juggle everything all the time. Most of the time, it’s nearly impossible to do anything other than Finish My Schoolwork, Show up to my Places of Employment, and Not Kill Myself or Anyone Else. And I know that, in a way, focusing on my academics is also a way of focusing on future plans (I need a degree so I can get a job), which will help the financial situation (Job = money!), and planning for the future.

But it’s still shocking to feel so on top of the heap in some ways

and then, when I least expect it,

so buried.

08 Mar 2011

pleasure reading

Grad school has been sucking away at my will to read.

Okay, that’s not entirely true. Actually, grad school makes me want to read 40 hours a week; there are SO MANY books that I haven’t read that I simply need to, and SO MANY books coming out, every day, to keep up with.

But reading the Books I Should Read and keeping up with the Books That Everyone Is Talking About on top of reading the Books On My G.D. Syllabus,

kind of sucks away my will to read the Books I Used to Live For.

New books by Laurie Halse Anderson, John Green, M.T. Anderson, Maureen Johnson, Megan McCafferty, Sarah Dessen, David Levithan, E. Lockhart… used to get me to Walden Books on my way to work, used to get me going to the gym to read, used to get me excited with my little release date calendars…

now, I can’t seem to scrounge up the money or energy to get myself to place an Amazon order.

But a few weeks ago, I found myself at one of those Borders that is being closed… and everything was 20% off.

And even though I didn’t think I would read it, I picked up the last book in E. Lockhart’s Ruby Oliver series. I have the other three in hardback and wanted a complete set… even if the publishers had the audacity to CHANGE the cover-style on the last book. Jerks.

It sat on my desk, looking pretty for a few weeks, and then a grad school miracle happened:

I got a little ahead in my reading, and the other book I have to read was still waiting for me at some library.

I literally didn’t have any of the books I needed to read…. so I HAD to read something not on a syllabus.

Whoa.

AND I’M SO GLAD.

Even though I am a failed children’s literature grad student who is seriously behind in her required reading, and hasn’t yet read Heidi or The Secret Garden or The Yearling or maybe not even Harriet the Spy

Even though I have dozens of Christmas and Birthday books lining my shelves, spines uncracked.

Even though I have sat through lectures maligning the literary attempts of the same authors I used to love so very much.

I still love this series.

I still love characters like Ruby Oliver.

I still love smart books about the intricacies of trying to relate to the opposite sex.

I still love writers like E. Lockhart.

I am super, super sad that this was the last book in the series.

And I’m glad I was able to pull my head out of my syllabus for a few days and remember this kind of pleasure.

25 Feb 2011

the slippery slope of the caffeine addict

First, you are letting yourself have a second can of Diet Coke on some afternoons, to stave off or recover from a nap.

Then, you are feeling like you might die at 10:00 a.m., or like you might kill something… and you realize that you’d put off your Diet Coke, and once you have it, the world rights itself again.

And then, you are just getting up early, so you need a little pick-me-up, to go from Asleep to AWAKE!!!! with enough time to get your work done.

Then, you’re back to coffee every morning.

Then, you’re up to two shots of espresso every morning.

Then you’re up to two shots of espresso every morning, and an energy drink in the afternoon, occasionally, as a pick-me-up, on those long and draggy days, when you need to get things done.

And then, you’re just drinking it because… you can. And because it feels good. Until your heart starts to palpitate. And your pocketbook bleeds out on Starbucks. And you’re back on that dark, twisted spiral that leads you into the abyss….