I have had friends, in my life. But I mostly can’t handle it.

This picture was taken on my 21st birthday. I assumed I would go to a bar with Lance, maybe a roommate, and have a drink. Somewhere between Sunday afternoon and Sunday night, I had my boyfriend, my roommates, and a good portion of my a cappella group, all singing and dancing and buying me drinks all over the Oldies-Night dance floor.

I still can’t believe it, looking at this picture. How did that happen? I don’t have friends! Where did they all come from?

But that was college. College ended and my friends mostly stayed and I left and I mostly disappeared. I was happy to remove myself from a number of friend-based situations, I wouldn’t miss sitting at home thinking about whether I should invite myself to a party I knew some of my friends were going to but hadn’t invited me. I wouldn’t miss the stigma behind Sitting At Home and Doing Nothing. I was so happy to return to people (aka my family) who would join me in my Sitting and Nothing.

So I stopped wishing my college friends happy birthday on Facebook, lost my cell phone numbers and didn’t go out of my way to replace them, and after six years of daily AIMing, officially gave up on Instant Messager because it totally stressed me out. I spend most of my time with my favorite friends: my family.

I still have my friends from high school,

but without exception, they are all engaged or married, and they all have children.

Families.

Which is fine, which is great, I still love them and I wish I could see more of them and their adorable kids, but we’re just in different stages of our lives, you know?

I was excited to move to Boston, to meet more people who were in my stage of life. And I did! Grad school friends!

But there’s still a distance there, and it’s totally my own doing. We see each other once or twice a week, in class, before class, after class, and that seems fine to me. That seems like plenty of time to see your friend. And there is always work to be done – homework, housework, work-work – that precludes close friendship.

There’s not enough time in the day to make friends, basically. There is almost always an excuse not to hang out, not to go to this bar, not to go to this event.

I’m okay with this about 90% of the time.

But then I start looking at other people’s friendships and get jealous.

And I think about my future…

– When I get married, will I have ANYONE to invite to my wedding? Will anyone even WANT to come? (see 21st birthday anxiety)

– When I have kids, will I want my kids to grow up isolated from relationships with other adults just because *I’m* a social recluse?

– Wouldn’t it be nice to feel like you are part of a community, Jessica, of people your own age who help each other and support each other?

So I’m not actively seeking close friendship with peers… but am I also consciously rejecting it? I shut off my instant messager. I RSVP “no.” I smile and nod when you mention something fun you are doing instead of inviting myself along. I am always too sick to go out, always too broke, always too busy.

So I am always sitting just outside the circle.

And maybe that’s just the way it’s gonna be.